Friday, December 27, 2013

My Denial is Self-Aware

I have officially hit exhaustion.

With the exception of the memorial service held last Saturday, I've mostly just kept myself together, constantly afraid that if I'm alone, idle, or think too much I'll fly apart at the seams. I just put off thinking about it, convinced I can put it off forever, despite knowing better.

I don't want to think about it. I'm so angry, and I have absolutely no where to direct that anger except perhaps inward, which I know is unhealthy. And I flat out refuse the reality that I will never see him again. I know I'm doing it, but I keep myself in denial. Keeping it up is exhausting and it feels rather hollow.

I don't know what would be better: allowing myself to withdraw and not face the world for a while or surround myself with friends to keep me from retreating.

Crap post I know. It's 1:30 in the morning, I'm exhausted, and I know if I don't start now I may not ever. So here it is.